I know everybody's probably been wanting something to get back at CC for Craig Kelly's dungpage. So here goes. (Please send feedback. I'd like to perfect my MSTing abilities.) P.S. This takes place right after #801. [Bobo's Lab] PEARL: [Still laughing] [Peanuts is rolling on his heels, waiting for her to stop.] [SOL] MIKE: Finished? [Bobo's Lab] PEARL: Hahaha, ... Hahahahaha! BOBO: Excuse me your wonderfully fantastic riteous highness best among authority of ape law Ms. Lawgiver of all who- PEARL: WHAT??? BOBO: Um...the text? PEARL: You're right! [SOL] TOM: Ex-queeze me? [Bobo's Lab] PEARL: Think, baldy. I said I'd continue in my son's footsteps, and I'm not about to forget the best part: SPAM!! And other useless 'net articles. I present to you the worst of the worst, that your ego shall never survive; CLICKERS!! [SOL] MIKE: Isn't that a Fox program? CROW: Sounds to me like a naughty bed exercise. MIKE: You think *everything's* a naughty- TOM: Wait, wait, I'm not bald...Am I? [Bobo's Lab] PEARL: It's Comedy Central's revenge. And I've been waiting to show you it for quite a while. PEANUTS: Um, now that you've finished laughing, how 'bout that bannanna? PEARL: No. PEANUTS: ...........Okay. PEARL: [More laughing] [SOL] MIKE: No fair. I'm still recovering from the last experiment. CROW: Five minute breaks just don't cover it. TOM: Tell me the truth; I'm bald, am I? MIKE: Tom, you don't even *need* hair. TOM: Why, thank you. [Alarms] MIKE: Whoa! We've got Internet-thingie-thing-that-she-didn't-quite-clear- what-we're-going-to-watch Sign! [6...5...4...3...2...safe] > Week of February 10th TOM: It was a dark and stormy night. MIKE: A kid was licking a sucker and Joe's shorts were cutting off his urinal tract. > > I'M BACK -- AND I'M STILL PISSED OFF! CROW: Either the biggest rip-off line or a lame attempt at satire; you decide. > > "Get a life you people. You there, you're over 30; have > you ever kissed a woman?" MIKE: Why were you asking a woman that question? > --William Shatner addressing a Star Trek Convention in > a skit on SNL MIKE: Oh, *that* explains it. > > Okay sweet CROW: "...Potatoes." > spirits, I'm back from more than a month off. In fact, > the last new column I wrote (The 1996 Out & In List) was in > December. TOM: Shame, shame. > So I must confess that writing this week's submission > caused me more than a little consternation. MIKE: He can say big words, now. > Could I jump right > back on my sarcastic, critical horse TOM: More like a fat, wise ass. > and continue to ride? Or > would I be thrown before even leaving the corral? CROW: Oh, gee, the mind boggles with that one. > > But my prayers for inspiration were answered about a week ago MIKE: "..By the big guy downstairs." > when a disgruntled TOM: Sorry, postman jokes just aren't funny anymore. > Mystery Science Theater 3000 viewer wrote me > to complain and -- suddenly -- I have something to write about > today. MIKE: "My writing abilities have long since improved since such literary wonders as 'Dick and Jane' and 'Bear and the Moon.'" > > For those of you who may not know, Mystery Science Theater 3000 > viewers (who like to call themselves MYSTies, TOM: If they're addicted to 3D puzzle games. > but whom I call > "loo-ahoo-ahoo-zers") TOM: "But then again, I never was a wonder at the English language." > are fanatical about the show (they call it > MST3K), CROW: "Duuuhhhhh, I never figgered out why..." > which was recently canceled by Comedy Central (which I > call home). MIKE: "Unfortunately, TCI Home Owner's Insurance refused to pay me if my rates kept going up like this." > You can still see reruns of the show here, CROW: "...If you have somehow managed to hook onto the technology of time travel." > but for > new episodes you have to watch the Sci Fi channel. MIKE: Maybe they're lightening up. They're advertising a rival. TOM: I think that was supposed to be their way of insulting SFC. MIKE: How? TOM: ...Ask Gypsy. > > Now, that explains what these people are in technical terms. TOM: "Yeah, notice the big words I used like 'loo-ahoo-ahoo-zer.' > Let > me speak in layman's terms: CROW: "Fart, ass, slut, sex... I think that covers it." > MYSTies are frustrated Trekkies TOM: Ironic how MJP mentioned not being a big sci-fi fan. CROW: Irony? On CC? TOM: I digress. > who > were kicked out of that freakish subgroup of humanity TOM: Humans? MIKE: Hey! *I'm* a Trekkie! TOM: Um...I'll go kill myself now. > because > they were too weird. CROW: Why do I feel like taking that as a compliment? > And they didn't bath enough. MIKE: How do you *bath* something? Fling a tub? TOM: I prefer to bathe. > And they were > scaring the other Trekkies by being a little too into the ins and > outs of the Star Trek series. TOM: But that's all Trekkies *are*. MIKE: TOM: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I forget to kill myself? > And so they branched out into the > universe and found another space show to idolize. CROW: Yeah, like some other of the billions of Star Trek spin-offs. > > Let me show you the difference between Trekkies and MYSTies: MIKE: "...........Wait, wait, I'm thinking......" > While the average Trek fan may wear officially licensed Star Trek > underoos to his/her job as a computer programmer, TOM: May? MIKE: Hey, these underoos are a little tight but not too bad. And what we're doing right now hardly seems like vice-prez of Macromedia. > the average > MYSTie CROW: There is no such thing as an *average* MSTie. > sits alone in his or her home conversing solely with > models of Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo TOM: They have one of those of me as a reclining nude at a galactic pub! MIKE: What *were* you up to at the edge of the universe?? > until his or her Mom calls > them down for a lunch of PB & J, cheese puffs and bug juice. CROW: And I'm sure you get a gourmet meal at the septic tank you call 'comedy.' > This > person is 43 years old and doesn't have a job. TOM: A 43-year-old teen? I thought those only existed on some anonymous planet. > > How can you, a normal person, [Mike looks over his shoulder.] > spot the differences between > Trekkies, MYSTies and other freaks should you run across someone > (for instance, your postman) TOM: Ha! Stereotypes never get old. > who has difficulty distinguishing > between simple enjoyment of a specific television show and full > obsession? CROW: I am not obsessed, I JUST NEED IT!!! > Here's a chart to help you: MIKE: Uh-oh, MSTing a chart may get a little rough on the format. TOM: Let's do it anyway. ALL: [Unison such as MMPR] Yeah! > > TREKKIE MYSTIE FRIENDS of > "FRIENDS" > > Last > Bathed: CROW: Bevis and Bat-head. [Mike stares at him.] CROW: Hey, it's what it looked like. > New Years Eve 1989 (caught in > rain on way to > MST3K > Expo-Fest-Conventio-Con) TOM: Hey, that's spelled-- MIKE: We know, he doesn't. Let's leave it at that. > During this > week's show > CROW: Oh, so any reference to a slut/pervert/sextoy/be-whatever will pass off as a blow to this NBC sitcom. MIKE: Whatever makes his "work" easier. > Pet's Name: Tribble Dickweed Bing TOM: True, true, true. CROW: Guess his sarcastic, critical horse back-kicked him in the buck. > > Date of 1959 Hatched from > Birth: test tube in > 1972 CROW: He knows about that first hand. > 1968 > > Favorite Sulu Tie: Crow T. Ugly naked guy > Character: Robot CROW: Hey. > & Officer > Frank > Poncherello CROW: HEY!! MIKE: At least you didn't get second place. > > On-Line damitjim@aol.com boobulartubular/skrossluvsrachel@att.net > Moniker: satelliteoflove@uah.edu TOM: Tubular-boobular's inverted. CROW: How can you tell in that mess of text? > > License BEAMMEUP (not coordinated > Plate: enough to drive) > MIKE: "Oh, sorry, I was talking about me there for a moment." TOM: In other words, he couldn't think of anything for that category 'cause he doesn't have a damn know-how about MSTies. > FATMONICA > > Official Original cast ??? > Show shirt, (red) > Merchandise > Owned: TOM: I reiterate... > Giant Central > Perk coffee cup > > High School Geekster > Nickname: CROW: "Project G.K.R." > (sadly, no one > remembers this > person from High > School) CROW: Because most are still there. MIKE: You still left that open for ridicule. CROW: ...Because they're still of HS age. MIKE: Better. > Lou Zwar > > So you may ask why I am going off so vehemently on the good fans > of MST 3000. TOM: Yes, tell us. Please. > Earlier this week I received an aggrieved e-mail > from a Mr. James Wesson CROW: Smith & Wesson. > who chastise me MIKE: He lost his virginity...to you? ALL: Ewwwww... > for making fun of MST3K > reruns in my Out & In List, seen in this space for the past > several weeks. Apparently, he felt that I was making fun of > people for watching reruns of his very most favoritest show in > the history of all that is television. TOM: "Well, I was. SCREW YOU!" > What did I say? Here, read > for yourself: CROW: Fans of CC can't read. Forgot? > > OUT IN > Benny Hill, MST3K Crappy movies ad > and SNL repeats nauseam > > See. TOM: Endless violence. WATCH! Debbie and Cecil at it. HEAR! The Starfighters theme... > I was making a sarcastic comment about how Comedy Central > will change it's focus from showing Benny Hill TOM: Their first and only smart move. [Mike elbows him.] > (which we no > longer own the rights to), TOM: Oh, I take that back. You're not *allowed* to show it. > MST3K (which we canceled) TOM: I think he made that clear. MIKE: "Huh? Whaddaya gonna do, huh? Cry, Crybaby? Y'gonna cry?" > and SNL > (which is actually still our bread and butter) ALL: Breadnbutterbreadnbutterbreadnbutterbreadnbutterbreadnbutter... > to showing the > same movies over and over again. I WAS MAKING FUN OF COMEDY > CENTRAL. MIKE: "And I'm glad I did it! Glad! You hear me?! GLAD! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!" > But Mr. Wesson, Super Genius Philosophy Student CROW: If not for the sarcasm sequencer, I'd say 'thanks'. > and > Gadfly-About-Town, TOM: No, that's Mr. B. Natural. > thought I was saying Mystery Science Theater > was out. Which it is, MIKE: Yeah, that makes about as much sense as Deezen. > but that's not what I was saying. TOM: "It's what I AM saying, stupid." > > Of course, hell hath no fury like a MYSTie scorned CROW: Darn-tootin'! > and with the > screeching screaming annoyance of a colic-suffering new born, MIKE: It's amazing how you can do that through text. > Mr. > Wesson began a whining correspondence with me that resulted in > him claiming to list my name on newsgroups and MYSTie sites all > over the web. TOM: "They called me Mr. Funnyface... [Soft whimper.] ...Now was that nice?" > > I am now prepared for a litany of annoying email from that > pestering minority that are known as MYSTies. MIKE: "The whole 80,000-and-rising minority of them!" CROW: But according to the U.S. pop of '97, it's-- TOM: It's more than the number of people who even *heard* of Comedy Central. CROW: Okay. > And I stand by my > comments, MIKE: "As soon as I learn *how* to stand." > which you can read for yourself at the website edited > by Mr. Wesson (whose email address is wessonj@email.uah.edu): TOM: Oh, *that's* where he got the uah.edu for his crap chart. > The > Backroom at http://www.jpj.org/~wessonj/. Wanna see a photo of my > sworn enemy? CROW: Am I allowed a polite 'duh'? > Check it out at > http://www.jpj.org/~wessonj/cafe/jennme.html. MIKE: Well, what do you want *us* to do? Flame him? > In addition to > harassing Comedy Central, CROW: Oh, how dare he. > Mr. Wesson is a big Rush Limbaugh fan > and you even read some of his goose-stepping opinions at > http://www.pacificnet.net/art/5RushBBB.html. TOM: "Which is *coincidentially* at a different server. > > Now, why am I telling you this? CROW: "'Cuz I don't give a damn what you care about! Now watch The Daily Show an' gimme twenty." > Because he printed my name and > address on his web page without my consent, that's why. I'm just > returning the favor. MIKE: The I.Q. of sending us straight there to thank him... CROW: Whose side is he on?? > > My point is not to make fun of someone, [All burst out in uncontrollable laughter.] > it's merely to point out > that you cannot hold a television network hostage. TOM: Why do I get the feeling if anyone tried to hold CC hostage, he/she would be begging to be turned in. > Yes, we at > Comedy Central care about our viewers [Laughter] MIKE: Hehe, it's about time CC came up with something funny. > and we are committed to > producing quality programming. [Laughter] TOM: No, hahaha, stop! CROW: *This* after he said he was picking on his station. > But freakishly obsessed loners MIKE: "...Such as myself..." > should understand that just because they and their 12 friends TOM: Plus 79,987 others... > feel that a show is great does not mean that the other 39,999,987 > viewers feel the same way. CROW: Like CC has that many? MIKE: How would he know? Because... > After 4 or 5 years, MIKE: ...He doesn't even know how to count. > our programming > executives can certainly tell if they should continue to > broadcast any show. CROW: The elves tell them when. > Especially one that has used up it's creative > juices. TOM: Why is he talking about Dr. Katz all of a sudden? > > I feel it is my duty to inform you that mad raving letters are > not considered when it comes to programming a television channel, CROW: Why can't he just say "We don't give crap"? > even one as loose as Comedy Central. It may have worked for Bosom TOM: Notice he used 'loose' and 'bosom' in the same line. > Buddies, but it won't fly here. Do you know that when Comedy > Central first canceled MST3K, most of the employees were sad and > would have worked to save the program. MIKE: "Gee, what's that burning? Oh! It's my pants!" > But then the harassing > phone calls and letters started coming in CROW: "...ENCOURAGING them on that choice..." > and now you'd be hard > pressed to find a worker here who doesn't take silent glee at the > knowledge of abandoned hoards of MYSTies. TOM: Anyone surprised? > That is why I fired CROW: Didn't Jim Carrey do that on Dumb and Dumber? MIKE: I don't want to know what you're thinking. > back those letters at you, Mr. Wesson. Instead writing TOM: Of! Of! Instead of!!! > and > calling us MIKE: "...Like we told you to do to TCI." > you should spend your time more wisely, like perhaps > polishing your collection of "MacGruder & Loud" memorabilia, CROW: This guy catches the unflinching humor of a Bruce Tinsley cartoon. > knitting new coasters for your TV tray or, as my friend Chris > Claro suggests, TOM: A little finger pointing going on. > keep the neighborhood kids away from the giant > Crow T. Robot statue in your front lawn. CROW: [As obsessed fan] Y'mean the one I paid cash from my pocket for from the end of episode 706??? > > So go forth and prosper. Enjoy television. Heck, even single out > your favorite shows. But people, heed my advice: TOM: "Never shove Silly Putty up your ass. I've tried it several times." > remember not to > cross the line to obsession. I've listed the warning signs above. > Be vigilant. CROW: "And always watch the skies!" > A life is a terrible thing to waste. > MIKE: I'm glad he gave us that first hand info. > ************** CROW: Y'know, you can go to far when covering up a dirty word or italicizing. > This week you can watch the following excellent television, MIKE: "...On NBC, but for us..." > but > do not become too attached. If you feel the need to write a > letter about them to Comedy Central, change the channel and take > a cold shower. TOM: Oh, thanks for the advice. I was just about to congratulate them on picking up TV Nation. Thanks for stopping me. > Heck, take a warm shower... just bathe! CROW: "I'll be watching from my telesc- D'OH SH___ I WASN'T S'POSED TO SAY- DARRRGH. > CROW: Do we have to sit through the schedule, too? TOM: Uhhhhhh, yeah. CROW: D'OH! > MONDAY @ 10pm: "COMICS ON DELIVERY." MIKE: Please, PLEASE, send no CODs. > As the show's theme song > says, sometimes you need a plumber, sometimes you need a mechanic > and sometimes you need... CROW: A PROSTITUTE! MIKE: Crow?... > a comic. You read that right, a comic. > Check out Comedy Central's new reality based show where actual > stand up comics guide actual people through actual real life > crises. TOM: THRILL! As J- MIKE: Once is enough. > Our new show averages 3 different segments of helping the > confused masses each week. CROW: Anyone who still watches CC *must* be confused. > Tune in or write to us via the web > site to get COD help yourself! TOM: While you're at it, get SALMON, TROUT, and TUNA help as well. > > MONDAY -- THURSDAY @ 11pm: "THE DAILY SHOW." Smoove. That's the > only way you can describe this show if you are predisposed to > speaking in ebonic terms. CROW: He's implying CC's cultured. MIKE: Surely, you just. > Comedy Central's nightly installment of > news, entertainment and sarcastic reporting has hit it's stride > with celebrity guests, stirring reports from the likes of Brian > Unger, A. Whitney Brown, Beth Littleford, and of course, the > magic that is Craig Kilborn. TOM: BLACK magic. CROW: Quoted by the BLACK SERVO. > Make our Daily Show your own. MIKE: If Kavorkian doesn't answer your phone calls. > > VALENTINE'S DAY, FRIDAY 2/14 @ 6pm: This Valentine's Day Comedy > Central confirms what you've been thinking for years (with > apologies to J. Geils): "LOVE STINKS." MIKE: I know it does. We actually called CC "our pals" in the episode guide. TOM: Would you necessarily call it "love," though? > Check out a marathon of > comedy programming to prove that thesis. MIKE: I'm praying to God Mrs. F. doesn't send us that. [Screams of bloody terror] > First up, it's the movie > that legitimized the annoying habit of white people stealing > black people's hair styles TOM: A biography of Michael Jackson. MIKE: That's...a bit obscure. > -- "10" starring the diminutive Dudley CROW: "...Do-Right." > Moore and the corn-rowed Bo Derek. Find out why you shouldn't > have a fling with a nubile young beauty, but stay with your wife > instead TOM: "Bring your date along for this one, folks." > -- a great moral that evidently escaped the movie's > director, John Derek. Following "10" MIKE: On a scale best to worst, that's what this station gets. > stay tuned for "Blind Date," > starring Bruce "Bruno" Willis and Kim "Alec's Girl" Bassinger. > Phil Hartman, John Larroquette and 80s wonder guitarist CROW: Were there any? > (Eleanor > Rigby anyone?) Stanley Jordan fill out the cast in this movie > that advises sobriety is a lot more fun than tipping a few back > -- a great moral that evidently escaped the movie's star, Bruce > Willis. MIKE: Everything's escaping everyone!! > After CC's presentation of "Blind Date," check out back > to back episodes of "Dream On." ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! > Leave it to Martin Tupper to > finally remove our attention from morals and put it back on what > really matters: having meaningless sex with the frequency of a > cheap ham radio. Humina humina! CROW: "Just tried that yesterday. > > MYSTilly Yours, MIKE: President of Apple Quicktime... > Craig > > Send hero worship to TOM: feedback@www.scifi.com > ckelly@interport.net > > Comedy Central Home | The Daily Show | CROW: Oh, no. They actually set up a separate page for that junk. > What's Hot MIKE: With a hyperlink to The Dominion. > Absolutely Fabulous | TOM: "The program's been dead for years, there's nothing but reruns, but enjoy the homepage." > Inside Comedy Central | CROW: Do we really want to go there? > Dr. Katz | CROW: ...Especially with him? > Web Sightings > Net//Witts | Download this! | Real Time Screen Grab | No > --------------------------------------------- > About Comedy Central Online. > Send questions or comments to clucas@comcentral.com. TOM: He hasn't got a clue-cas. Get it? C&M: Ug. > Copyright © 1997 Comedy Partners. MIKE: 'Copyright-copyright'? TOM: They actually spent money to protect *this*? > All Rights Reserved. > MIKE: [Leaving] "Now I'd tell you more about not getting obsessed with TV, but Baywatch Nights is on." [Safe...2...3...4...5...6...CLUNK!] MIKE: Boy, being forced to watch two botched revenges in a row. TOM: But we lived. CROW: Yup. MIKE: Yup. CROW: Yup. MIKE: Yyyyyyup. [Pause] CROW: Yup. MIKE: But *are* our fans obsessed? CROW: How dare you ask! TOM: They're not obsessed just because they belong to an official club and buy all our merchandise and record all our episodes and build their own "us"... Uh- does it? MIKE: Um, maybe...but those are issues Craig never addressed. CROW: Yeah, proving he doesn't know what he's talking about. TOM: [Kid voice] We just do! ALL: Yeah! MIKE: What do you think, S- uh Ma'am? [Bobo's Lab] [Pearl's unconcious on the floor.] BOBO: Help us! Our Lawgiver has laughed herself into a coma! PEANUTS: And she choked on my bannanna! BOBO: Oh, will you just- [SOL] MIKE: Sounds to me like she requires mouth-to-mouth. [Bobo's Lab] [Peanuts and Bobo stare at each other and slowly look down at Pearl, with a silent "Ewwww."]