[All enter the theater. As promised, Crow *is* good as new.] MIKE: You never believe me. CROW: Look, I'm sorry. > >"Are we all set?" Han asked, looking around for Jacen and Jaina. The two >had run off for a bit. > >"Yes, we are." The twins ran into the Millenium Falcon. TOM: [Han] AAAAA! Mary-Kate and Ashley! Everyone! Get out! Quick! > It was the day >after La'tego had visited Han and Leia. Chewie had fixed his ship during >the night and he stood behind Han without a hint of tiredness on his face. MIKE: Chewie always had the same look on his face, anyway. > >Han turned to Chewbacca. "Chewie, you remember what your job is while we're >away?" > >The wookiee let out a series of grunts which translated to "Take care of >Anakin." CROW: But isn't Darth, like, dead? > >"Right, we're off." Han shook the wookiee's paw TOM: {CRRRRUNCH} CROW: [Han] NyaaaaAAAAAaaaAAAh! > and and entered the ship. > >The door shut and Han entered the cockpit. He pressed a few buttons MIKE: [Han] Lessee, *one* of these has to start it... > and the >ship shook as it began to lift. Han manuevered the ship through the hanger >door and into the space beyond. > >"Threepio!" Han yelled for the droid. TOM: [C-3PO] Coming, mother! > >"Yes, Captain Solo?" The droid stumbled into the cock CROW: WAUGH! > pit CROW: Phew. > and cocked CROW: WAUGH! > his >head CROW: Phew. > towards Han. > >"Set the coordinates for the planet TOM: Uranus. > Nublar into the computer." Han wished >he had remembered to replace the map, but he had forgotten this morning. CROW: It's kinda hard to redraw a scaled version of the entire universe, anyway. > >"Pardon me, Captain Solo, but don't you know where it is?." Threepio stared >at Han. MIKE: [Han] Whoa, how'd you do that thing with your punctuation? > >"Look, just enter the coordinates without asking questions, ok?" > >"Oh my, it was just a question." TOM: THAT'S WHAT HAN JUST SAID! > Threepio said, turned, and exited the >cockpit. MIKE: Our fanfic's comic relief, folks. TOM: Heh... we're doomed. > >Luke entered as Threepio left the cockpit and sat beside Han. > >"What's wrong with Threepio?" > >"Oh nothing. He's just has an attitude." CROW: "He has just has an attitude"? "He is just has an attitude"? > >Luke decided to make an attempt to change the subject. "Exactly what kind >of park is this again?" TOM: It's the kind that has the word "park" in the name. CROW: Oh, and it has an entrance and people work there to do stuff. > He looked at Han with a curious expression on his >face. > >"It's some kind of dinosaur park. MIKE: Assuming Luke knows what a dinosaur is. > We all need a vacation and this is our >ticket. TOM: Oh no! He's on a collision course with wackiness! > Does the name La'tego Trekkinne ring a bell?" MIKE: {Ding!} > >"I think so. Wasn't he some sort of ship supplier for the Rebellion?" > >"Yeah, that's it." Realization came to Han's face. "He provided the >rebellion with those ships before they switched. Pretty good if I recall." CROW: Wasn't it explained that the Rebellion recalled their contract because of faulty ship construction?? MIKE: I guess he *didn't* recall. > >"Captain Solo, the coordinates are set." Threepio yelled to the cockpit. > >"You'd better strap yourself in." Han turned his head to the back. TOM: Uh-oh. Better get in an exorcist. > "You >all'd better strap yourselves in back there as well." MIKE: Y'hear? > He pressed a few >buttons and pulled a handle. CROW: "C'mon, jackpot! C'mooooooooonnn, jackpot!..." > The ship entered light speed. An array of >stars flew past them in bright streaks for a bit but it ended when Han >pulled back the lever and the ship slowed to a normal pace. MIKE: This explanation for the two people that have never seen Star Wars. > Before them, >without a planet nearby laid the desolate planet of Nublar. TOM: So our exact same dinosaurs with the exact same name came from a distant planet. CROW: Toldja. TOM: Yeah, yeah. > Han began his >docking procedures, CROW: Mike, if you think I'm gonna be cliché here, you've got another thing comin'. > but as he was entering the atmosphere, a TIE fighter >came from nowhere. TOM: Poof! > Han hadn't noticed it until it was too late. He yelled >for Leia or Luke to get to the guns, but the ship began speeding through >the clouds after several blasts from the TIE. MIKE: [Leia] Honey, you were right. This is just such a great place to unwind. > Han brought the ship to a >right angle. It passed through the clouds smoothly without as much as a >shake. A reptilian bird flew toward the ship. TOM: [Quickly] It got sucked into the jet intake and they all spiraled down to a horrible flaming death the end. > Han tried nervously to move >the ship away from the bird. The bird looked up and tried to move quickly >from the Falcon's path. MIKE: And they both just keep moving left and right trying to avoid each other. > Finally, the Falcon sprung to an upright angle and >barely missed the bird by less than ten feet. He brought the Falcon to a >rocky stop in a clearing. > >"Oh my!" Threepio said CROW: Yeah! We know! Shut up! > in the back as a crash rang through the ship. > >Artoo let out a series of variably toned beeps. MIKE: [Á la the UFO on "Close Encounters of the Third Kind"] Boop BOOP boop boop. > >"What happened?" Leia ran into the cockpit, the nervousness evident on her >face. > >"A TIE fighter shot us down and we nearly hit a giant bird." > >"A TIE fighter? What is that doing here?" Leia looked at Han with a >quizzical look on her face. TOM: "Oh, and, uh -- A giant bird? What is that doing here, either?" > >"I don't know. Is everyone all right back there?" > >"Yes, everyone's fine." MIKE: [Luke] Um, 3PO's arm seems to be impaling my head. I'm okay otherwise. > >"Han, that was no ordinary bird." Luke said, deep in thought. CROW: "It was Giant Bird: The Special Edition." > >"Then what was it?" > >"I'm not sure. I don't think I've ever seen one of that kind before." > >"Well, you sit there and think, MIKE: Like Winnie the Pooh. > I need to check the damage on this baby. >Everyone out." Han said. TOM: You ever get the feeling that he cares more for his vehicle than his family? CROW: He's a real Tim Allen/Taylor. > >Outside, the external damage to the Falcon wasn't as bad as Han expected. A >few bumps and scratches littered the hull of the ship, as did a hole or >two. > >Han's face went blank. "What the . . . I fixed her yesterday and already >she's bruised!" > >Leia put her arm around him. "Can you fix it?" > >"Yeah, it'll just take a while." MIKE: "Luckily, I always keep a bucket of wax in the trunk for just such an emergency." > He said and turned to Leia. "Why don't you >take Jacen with you and look around?" CROW: "I've always hated Jaina." > >"I'm staying here with you." Leia said and looked at Han sternly. > >"Leia . . ." Han said, but was interrupted by Luke. > >"It's all right, I'll go with him." Luke said. TOM: Leia's a him? MIKE: Noooo! The kid! Deh- > >"Jaina?" Han turned to her. > >"I'll stay here with you and work on the Falcon with you." Jaina entered >the ship to retrieve her father's tools. > >"Threepio and Artoo can stay here. Leia, you sure you don't want to go?" >Luke turned to the Chief of State. > >"I'll stay here." She said and entered the ship. > >"Very well, then. Come on, Jacen." Luke turned and entered the forest. > >"Hey Luke!" Han yelled. > >"What?" CROW: [Han] How far do you think you'd be if I hadn't called you back? > >"May the force be with you." > > * * * > >La'tego Trekkinne TOM: Does that name ring any bells? MIKE: {Ding!} > shivered as he typed furiously at the computer. CROW: He always gets chilly after staring at the monitor too long. > The >stormtroopers were everywhere. TOM: Y'know, you just get two cute little stormtroopers as pets, and *this* is what happens. > They were in the communication's room, the >monitoring room, the Enginnering sector, and even the lounge. MIKE: So to cap, everywhere. > He only >wished that the new visitors would enter the park unrecognized. > >"A ship has been struck down in the forest. It looks to be the Millenium >Falcon." A stormtrooper entered the room. > >"Who's on board?" CROW: A baby. > The stormtrooper beside La'tego MIKE: {Ding!} > asked him.. > >"Five people and two droids." > >"Any identifications?" CROW: "Happy, Sneezey, Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy, Bashful, and Doc, sir." > >"One of them is a rebellion captain known as Han Solo. Undoubtedly the >other is Leia." TOM: Undoubtedly. > >"The others?" > >"No positives, but two of them appear to be children and the other is an >adult." > >"Stop all lifting!" MIKE: And go off your diets, too. > The stormtrooper yelled into his comm unit. > >"What? Why?" Came the response. > >"Just do it!" CROW: Nike! > He shut off the comm unit. "La'tego, MIKE: {Ding!} > get me a visual of your >visitors." > >Reluctantly, La'tego MIKE: {Ding!} > pressed a button and the screen showed a crashed ship >with two people working on it. > >"Ah, Captain Solo I presume. CROW: "And behind him is Livingston." > Who's that beside him, La'tego?" MIKE: {Ding!} > >"His daughter, Jaina." La'tego MIKE: {Ding!} TOM: WILL YOU JUST STOP THAT??! > gritted through his teeth. > >"There were two other life signs on board, where are they?" > >"Maybe they went for a picnic." Came the sarcastic reply. > >The stormtrooper slapped La'tego. CROW: Fresh! > "Get me the others on screen!" The >stormtrooper yelled. > > * * * MIKE: "NO! *Those* aren't it! Get me the *other* others!" > >"Wow, this is beautiful!" Jacen said, staring at the vegetation around >them. Plant's of unrecognized kinds grew in different, bright colors. Large >insects buzzed around them with a monotonous rythym. > >A small shake in the force touched Luke. TOM: [Luke] Woo! > >"Stop." MIKE: Hammer Time. > Luke whispered to Jacen. > >"Why?" Jacen whispered back. > >"We're being watched." His eyes darted and his hand darted CROW: And his nose darted and his toes darted and his uvula darted. > for his saber > >"By what?" > >"One of those dinosaurs." > >"Where?" TOM: Now all that's left for Jacen to ask is who, when, why, and how. > >"Behind us." Luke said. "Get in front of me." > >Jacen did as he was told. > >Luke whirled around, MIKE: Just because you're seconds from death doesn't mean you can't have fun. > bringing his light saber forward in a bright blue >glow. Before him, a velociraptor, as the sign behind it said, stood. TOM: And I bet the sign had some whacked out pseudo-Latin written under it, too. > It's >height matched that of Luke's. It's sharp teeth and it's dark claws >glistened in the saber's glow. The raptor cocked it's head, staring at the >glow then to it's prey. It studied Luke, figuring it's next move. MIKE: Rook over one space. > It made a >sharp jab in Luke's direction. Luke barely shook. The raptor stopped, >studied, then made to the left. Luke swung the saber at the raptor, missing >it by an inch. CROW: "I'm, heh, a little rusty with this 'force' thing. Heh. Haven't used it in a while." > The raptor jumped back in suprise and stood tall. Luke then >began to make his way forward to the raptor. He had barely taken two steps >before another raptor jumped from behind. It landed on Jacen, preparing to >kill him. TOM: You'll prob'ly hit me for this, but: Yay. [Whap] Ow! > It never finished the preparation, because it's head met the glow >of the saber. MIKE: Split, bloody head, meet the light saber; light saber, meet the split, bloody head. > Luke returned to his opponent and shoved Jacen behind him. CROW: Behind the raptor? Luke has a sick sense of fun. >The raptor seemed emtranced by the speed of Luke. It's claws on it's feet >tapped the ground in a soft motion, then made for the attack. With a quick >motion, it lunged to the right, ducking from the saber, then going for >Luke's hand. The electric wires in the hand emitted a crackle as sparks >flew, then deadened. MIKE: [Luke] Oh, poo. Ben always told me to practice being ambidextrous, but noooooooo! "I'm right handed," I said, "And right handed I'll always be!" Ch'yeah!! > Luke howled at the pain, TOM: Of a fake hand? > then used the force to >suppress it. CROW: It's not about preventing outbreaks; it's about suppressing them. > Luke turned to see the raptor glaring at him, the venom of >death in its eyes, MIKE: Soooo... the venom... TOM: OF DEATH! MIKE: Yes... > the chill of the hunt on its face, and a lust for blood >in its drooling mouth. CROW: And the collection of lint in its navel. > Jacen used the force to strike the raptor's mind, >causing it to scream and run to the cover of the jungle. MIKE: Why didn't they just do that in the first place?? > >Luke turned to Jacen and hugged him. "Thank you, Jacen." > >"No problem, Uncle Luke." CROW: Doesn't anyone say "you're welcome" anymore? > >After regaining their bearings, they continued through the forest and >stopped a few feet from a group of imperial speeder bikes. "The Empire? >What are they doing here?" A ripple in the force told Luke that something >was wrong. TOM: And to invest in Microsoft stocks this week. > He grabbed Jacen and they ran behind a nearby yellow bush. > >Three scout-troopers emerged from the bushes. MIKE: [Trooper] Excuse me, we were hiding here first. > >"Did they say why we had to stop lifting?" One of them asked. > >"No, just stop lifting the dinosaurs. Maybe it had to do with the crash a >while ago." > >At that moment, a Tyrannosaur rampaged through the forest. TOM: [Trooper] Whoa! That came outta nowhere! > The stormtrooper >scattered, as Tyrannosaur gave a furious CROW: Moo. > roar. It looked around and noticed >Jacen fidgeting behind a bush. MIKE: [Jacen] Uncy Lukey, I gotsta go-o-o-o-o-o. > The dinosaur ran for the bushes. Luke >grabbed Jacen and the ran for the speeder bikes. He hopped on the bike and >started it. > >"You sure you remember how to ride this, right?" > >"Of course I do." Luke said TOM: As the bike back-flipped, spun around really fast, bounced around, and exploded. > and the bike zoomed off. The Tyrannosaur ran >behind in close pursuit. Jacen formed an idea in his head. MIKE: Whose else's head *would* he use? > He closed his >eyes and concentrated on the dinosaur. CROW: Became one with the dinosaur. > He saw what was inside the >dinosaur's brain. It didn't have much of a mental capacity, but Jacen TOM: Was used to that. > could >see an imperial shuttle of some kind, trying to capture the dinosaur. Then >it backed off. Leave us alone! CROW: Okay, who was reading my mind? MIKE: I dunno. TOM: I was thinking it, too. > Jacen commanded the dinosaur through the >force. The dinosaur stopped, turned, and left them alone. Luke slowed the >speeder to a stop and turned to Jacen. He rubbed Jacen's hair. "You're on a >roll today." > >"Luke, I saw something in the dinosaurs mind." > >"Oh? What?" Luke looked at Jacen. CROW: [Jacen] A funky tune and a dance move simply called "walk the dinosaur." > >"I saw an imperial shuttle trying to capture the dinosaur, but then, it >flew off, leaving it behind." > >"Really?" Luke pondered Jacen's comment and entered the woods. TOM: And went to an abandoned church. > > * * * > >"What do you mean that rebel ambassadors are here?" CROW: "But the place is a mess! And I haven't a thing to wear!" > Ralgar glared at the >messenger. MIKE: Who? > >"Three stormtroopers confirmed the sighting of Luke Skywalker and Jacen >Solo, Han Solo's son." The stormtrooper stood firm as he gave the list to >Vice Admiral Ralgar Toonka. TOM: {Snort} "Toonka." CROW: Sounds like an island resort for Roger Rabbit. > >"Who else is here?" His gaze drove through the mask of the stormtrooper. MIKE: [Stormtrooper] Well, your mom also made an unexpected visit. > >"Han Solo, Princess Leia, and Jaina Solo. Their two droids are here as >well." The stormtrooper said, his voice growing nervous. > >"Have the liftings ceased?" TOM: [Stormtrooper] No, sir. I made a New Year's resolution and I'm gonna stick to it this year. > >"Immediately after they were discovered as being here." > >"Good, we can't have them escaping on one of our shuttles." CROW: Except that Han's fixing his minimally damaged ship. > >"Might I remind you that the Imperial leader's orders were to lift the >creatures off to be used as weaponry." MIKE: "And that I am only explaining this to provide exposition." > >"Don't tell me how to do my job, besides I know, but he would be extra >pleased to learn that rebel ambassadors had been killed. After dispensing >with them, the liftings will resume. Gather all the stormtroopers not busy >and send them into the forest CROW: Oo-dah-lolly! > to kill the rebels. Tell them not to kill the >dinosaurs but to stun them only if they get in the way." Ralgar's gaze >broke with the stormtrooper. The stormtrooper breathed a sigh of relief, >barely audible through the mask. > >"It will be done." The messenger turned and exited the quarters hurridly. > >Ralgar swirled around in his chair TOM: "Whoopeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" > to face the window. His eyes noticed a >lake in the background of the forest. He turned his chair around TOM: "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" > and >pressed a button. The messenger reentered. "Yes?" His voice had a sense of >uneasiness. > >"Have some stormtroopers check out that lake back there." He pointed to the >window. MIKE: "I just have this sudden craving for ion fuel." > >"Very well." The messenger left a bit faster than orignally. > >Something wasn't right about it. It's color wasn't that of an ordinary >lake. TOM: Let's head on out. [Mike picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater.] > >The grey of the lake glimmered, almost mocking Ralgar for not noticing it >earlier. CROW: Nyah nyah! Ralgar's a doo-doo head! [All are gone.] [Commercials]