THREE USENET POSTS ABOUT "TITANIC" A MiSTing by Joe Blevins joeblev@concentric.net (comments appreciated) NOTE: Since its release on Christmas Day, 1997, one film has towered above all others in its singular ability to generate moronic Usenet posts. At long last, a 'net denizen gets his revenge. TECHNICAL NOTE: Can Observer really propel himself and the others through time as he does in this story? The answer is simple: "It's just a script. I should really just relax." ------------------------------------------------------ [Season 9 theme song and credits] M y s t e r y U s e n e t T h e a t e r 3 0 0 0 [Guitar twang] [*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog bone] [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] [Crow, Mike, and Servo are all behind the console. Servo and Crow are facing each other. Crow is wobbling a little bit. Mike stands behind them, crouched slightly. Over his jumpsuit, he is wearing an ugly sport coat. He's got a set of headphones on and talks into a microphone in the hushed tone of a television golf commentator.] Mike: Hi, everybody. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. You've just joined us during the Satellite's "Mother of All Staring Contests." It's been going on since late yesterday, but it looks like Crow is about to crack. Crow: [without turning away] Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mike. [Crow's wobbling becomes more severe.] Tom: [taunting] Come on, ya big baby! Give in! You know you want to. Crow: NEVER!! [Commercial light flashes.] Mike: We'll see how this turns out when we get back. [Commercial break.] [SoL - BRIDGE] [The staring contest is continuing. Crow looks like he's having a seizure, and there's smoke coming from his head. Tom remains cool.] Crow: [struggling] Unnnnnhhhh.... [Crow finally breaks and turns his head away.] Crow: GAHHH!! Tom: Yes!! I win! In your face, Crow! Crow: [crying] It's not fair, Mike! He doesn't even have eyes! Tom: That's just the type of thing a loser crybaby WOULD say. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to commemorate my victory with a slow-motion montage, accompanied by a Queen song. [We see a montage of "highlights" from the Crow/Servo staring contest. It all looks pretty much the same -- them facing each other.] Tom's Voice: [sings] I've paid my dues Time after time I've done my sentence But committed no crime [The montage ends after about ten seconds. Back to the SoL bridge] Mike: [into the microphone] And there you have it, folks. Two proud competitors in a sport where there can only be one victor... one competitor obviously a little less proud than the other. [Crow sobs loudly.] Crow: It's not fair! I want a cookie! [Red light flashes.] Mike: We switch you now to Pearl Forrester. You viewers on the East Coast will see Pearl, while viewers in the West will also see Pearl. [NORTH ATLANTIC OCEAN - NIGHT] [Pearl, Observer, and Bobo are in a small rowboat. An exhausted Bobo is rowing, while Pearl yells at him through a megaphone. Observer is timidly crouched over his brain bowl. A luxury oceanliner is visible in the background.] Pearl: Stroke! Stroke! Faster! [turns to camera] Oh, hi there, Nelson-nelson-bobelson-banana-fanna-fofelson-me-my-mo-melson. You've just caught me in the middle of my next evil scheme. Since I've been back on Earth, I've taken the opportunity to duck down to the local multiplex now and again, and this little picture called "Titanic" caught my fancy. I've only seen it -- oh, maybe 50 times, but I can already tell it's gonna be BIG. [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] Mike: You really think so, huh? [NORTH ATLANTIC - NIGHT] Pearl: I don't know why, but I've got a very good feeling about this film. I really think Bill Paxton is going to become a major heartthrob. He sure had me lub-dubbing, lemme tell ya. [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] [Mike and the 'bots do not react at all to this last statement and simply stare ahead blankly. We hear a cricket chirping.] [NORTH ATLANTIC - NIGHT] Pearl: Ennyhoo, I had a great idea on how to cash in on this puppy. I got Whitey Ford here [points to Observer] to transport us back to the night of the actual Titanic sinking. While the passengers are busy scrambling for their pathetic little lives, we'll be loading up some genuine Titanic souvenirs, which we'll bring back to the Nineties and pass along to "Titanic" fans... for a small finder's fee, of course. Observer: I'd like to state for the record that I am repulsed by this whole machination and am only taking 7% of the profits. [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] Mike: [false sincerity] Oh, how refreshing. [NORTH ATLANTIC - NIGHT] Pearl: Now, just because I've got a can't-miss scheme going here, don't think I've neglected the experiment this time. In honor of my new all-time-favorite movie, I'm sending you two Usenet posts called "For Titanic Haters" and "FOR TITANIC HATERS II" from Murat Aydos, which is either a person or a spicy chicken dish. And as a little bonus, I'm tossing in something called "Stuff That Just Totally Pisses Me Off" by CalGirl84. Observer: I think my brain is freezing up. I should never have agreed to go along with this. Pearl: Oh, quit your whining, Pastypuss. Just be glad I'm not making you do any of the rowing. [She turns back to Bobo, who has stopped to rest.] Pearl: Hey! Get back to work! [into the megaphone] STROKE! STROKE! STROKE! Bobo: [resuming his chore] Yes, Lawgiver. Sorry, Lawgiver. Pearl: Less talking! More rowing! [SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE] Tom: It's always nice to see someone doing well by doing good. Crow: Isn't it, though? [Lights, buzzer] Mike: Oh no! We got TITANIC sign! [Dog bone, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, *] [THEATER SEQUENCE] [They take their seats.] > > Subject: For Titanic haters Crow: ...with Titanic appetites, Denny's now offers the all-U-can-eat "I hate Titanic" breakfast platter, featuring Kate Winslet bacon and Leonardo DiCaprio ham with a side of "Cameron sucks" eggs. > From: Murat Aydos Tom: "Murat Aydos" is his screenname. His real name is Mydos Aurat. > Date: 1998/04/02 > Message-ID: Pine Mike: Nothing ID's your message like the scent of pine. > .HPP.3.96.980402221701.20993A-100000@holmes.ece.orst.edu Crow: That is _one_ difficult e-mail address to remember. > Newsgroups: alt.cult-movies Tom: Wow! A whole newsgroup devoted to the filmography of Robert Culp! A place where fans can gather to discuss "Sammy the Way-Out Seal," "Hot Rod," and "Turk 182." Mike: Uh, actually, Servo, that's CULT movies, not CULP movies. Tom: I should've known there wouldn't be any useful Usenet newsgroups. > > > Titanic 2 is on the way.... Crow: In the sequel, Bill Paxton dives into the Atlantic in a desperate attempt to get back that necklace so he can hock it for rent money. > > See Cameron's new movie with Hopkins, Arnold and Sarandon Mike: Unfortunately, that's Telma Hopkins, Arnold Stang, and Chris Sarandon. > "Noah" Tom: His ark is worse than his bite. > > Get some fresh air Crow: Y'mean actually leave the computer terminal and go outside? I dunno. It sounds risky. > before you get too desperate! about this movie. Mike: It's a little late for that advice. "Titanic" cost me everything I once cared about -- my family, my dignity, my matryoshka doll collection, everything! > > > Tom: Hmmm... I guess the post is over. We can leave now. Crow: That was a pretty painless one. Pearl must be slipping. > > Mike: Wishful thinking, guys. The next one's starting, and I think the pain has just begun. > > > Subject: FOR TITANIC HATERS II Tom: The Search For Curly's Gold! > Date: Fri, 3 Apr 1998 16:08:23 -0800 Crow: My stock in TITANIC HATERS II has dropped 800 points! I'm ruined! > From: Murat Aydos Mike: [as Johnny Cash] I tell ya, life ain't easy for a boy named Murat Aydos. > Organization: Network for Education and Research in Oregon Tom: N.E.R.O. - we fiddle while Portland burns > Newsgroups: alt.cult-movies Crow: What's a "cult movie," anyway? Mike: Any movie made by a closely-knit, pseudo-religious group that seperates itself from mainstream society. Crow: Oh, like Disney films then? Mike: Kinda like that. > > ---------- Forwarded message ---------- > Date: Fri, 03 Apr 1998 19:18:02 +0000 Tom: ["evil" voice] Friday the THIRD!!! Oh, wait, that isn't scary. Never mind. > From: Tim Millea Crow: And_Stop_Copying_Off_My_Paper > Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies.current-films > Subject: Titanic - a new genre of film ('movie') Mike: "Movie" -- that's a new slang term some of the kids are using when they mean "film." > > Titanic is a huge movie. Tom: It can bench press 200 lbs. easy. > It captures with obsessive accuracy the > arogance, Crow: ...of James Cameron. > class system, and faith in Mike: The gullibility of the moviegoing public. > technology of the age. Tom: Actually, it captures the technology of the late 1990s, but... > The real > life story Crow: Of Jack and Rose, two fictional characters > is a gift to story tellers of any description, Mike: A gift, huh? So can I take it back and get the money? > a tragedy > and disaster of epic proportions. Tom: But enough about my love life. Getting back to "Titanic"... > It follows that the more realistic > the film rendition, the more affecting and gripping the film will be. Crow: Take "Star Wars," for instance, a masterpiece of cinema verite. > > I have read much of critcism of the film, Mike: What can I say? It turns me on. I'm kinda strange that way. > which is by contemporary > standards justified in certain areas - Tom: Particularly the movie's shocking lack of David Ogden Stiers! > mainly script quality and > inconsistent acting, Crow: Acting? Writing? Who needs that junk when you've got a big computer-generated shipwreck? > at least to the extent that one would not expect > from such a popular sensation and 11 Oscar winning film. Mike: [British accent] One is reminded of the year that "Cannonball Run" won Best Picture and garnered similar criticism from film purists. > But that is > to use an old yardstick to measure a new genre. Tom: A new genre in which acting and writing aren't important? That's not new. That describes 99.99% of Hollywood movies! > The film is > magnificent. I cannot imagine any human exhibiting remotely human > qualities Crow: That's weird... neither can I! Of course, I _did_ just watch a "Step by Step" marathon. Maybe that's the problem. > that would not be entertained by the film, if not > captivated by it. Yet it is different to other films. Mike: Most films have either Tommy Lee Jones or John Goodman in the cast. > The > ways in which Titanic excels Tom: Such as conning teenage girls out of their babysitting money and imposing the "music" of Celine Dion on an unsuspecting world. > have not yet entered into the parlance, > or for that matter, the criteria of professional film critics. Crow: Those neanderthals are still looking for such relics as a decent script and believable performances. > Titanic may be mediocre by conventional standards Mike: And, boy, is it ever! > but it is excellent > by standards which have previously not existed. Tom: Standards I just now made up. > The film critique > establishment Crow: Can jump up my "Titanic"-worshipping butt. > will eventually fall into line Mike: And obey ONLY me! > and explain much more > articulately than I could attempt, Tom: How they crammed all that graham into Golden Grahams cereal. > just why this film has had such an > effect, and so unexpectadly, upon so many ordinary (non film critic) > people, irrespective of culture. Crow: Was it merely a worldwide outbreak of poor judgment, or were more sinister forces at work? > > One senses a new film genre, but without prospect of a sequal, Mike: They could do a sequel! Maybe Rose could get on the Andrea Dorea and strike up a romance with Jack's identical twin brother, Jake, a dashing but penniless aluminum siding salesman. > it > will require the benefit of hindsight before we know what that genre > is. Tom: But if I were a betting man, I'd say this new genre will be a cross between silent Westerns, softcore porno, and kabuki theater. > 'Titanic' started it, Crow: ["Mom" voice] I don't care WHO started it, young man! Now, you and 'Titanic' shake hands and make up. > and we were there. Mike: Years from now, people will ask: "Where were you when you found out Leonardo DiCaprio had been 'snubbed' by the Academy?" > > Well done James Cameron, Tom: But I ordered my James Cameron medium rare! > but I don't imagine you will ever reach > these dizzy heights of success again. Crow: I guess it's back to "Terminator, Part 12" for you, James. > David Lean Mike: You say you love David but hate the fat and calories? Try David Lean! > was similarly > obsessive with his masterpieces, Tom: He kept them in specimen jars all around his house. > but he had the humility (pragmatism) Crow: To not declare himself "the king of the world." > to share honours with a scriptwriter who ultimately added a dimension > of quality acceptable to the critics, Mike: That scriptwriter was Joe "Showgirls" Eszterhas, surprisingly. > and almost minimalistly, Tom: "Minimalistly"? I don't think that's a real word. > even > perfectly, complimented excellence in popular entertainment. Crow: You think there's such a thing as excellence in popular entertertainment? What else do you believe in? The Tooth Fairy? The Easter Bunny? God? Sheesh! What turnip truck were you born on yesterday? > > Mike: Hang on to your hats and glasses, boys. Here comes post #3. Tom: I don't wear a hat _or_ glasses, Mike. Crow: Neither do I. What's the deal with that "hats and glasses" comment? Are you trying to say you're better than me? 'Cause if you think you're better than me... Mike: It's just an expression. I didn't... oh, never mind! The next one's starting already. > > > > > Subject: Stuff That Just Totally Pisses Me Off Tom: Like stalking laws, burglar alarms, really tall fences, body- guards... all the stuff that keeps me and Leo apart. > From: calgirl84@aol.com (CalGirl84) Crow: It's not bad enough that she's a call girl. She has to advertise it in her screen name. Mike: [lecherous] Calgirl, take me away. > Date: 1998/04/25 > Message-ID: <1998042519591900. PAA28243@ladder03.news.aol.com> Tom: At America Online, we're dedicated to getting every semi-literate doofus in America on the Internet by the year 2000. > Newsgroups: alt.movies.titanic Crow: "Titanic" has its own newsgroup now? Why not just have a newsgroup called alt.movies.manos.the.hands.of.fate? Mike: Shhhh... Not too loud. Someone will hear you. > > > > #1 the most. Tom: The most what? Do you mean it's the most pointless? The most insipid? The most likely to cause projectile vomiting? > If you care to comment, Mike: Oh, don't worry. We will. > keep in mind these are opinions. Crow: Y'know -- like evolution and that kooky theory about the earth revolving around the sun. > > 1. All the shitty stuff that Billy fans are saying about how Leo fans > are dissing Billy Fans. Tom: 'Cause Leo fans aren't really dissing Billy fans. Billy fans just _think_ Leo fans are dissing Billy fans because Billy fans are jealous of Leo fans. Understand? Mike: Leo fans versus Billy fans -- a war that pits moron against moron. > (I think this is just a little bit backwards > here. Crow: Actually, Leo fans are dissing themselves for not dissing Billy fans when they had the chance. > I've never seen any posts about how Billy fans suck, but MANY > on how Leo fans suck.) Tom: That's a shame, because both groups are equally worthy of scorn and derision. Say, guys, let's even things out a bit. All: Billy fans suck! Billy fans suck! Billy fans suck! Billy fans suck! Billy fans suck! Billy fans suck! > > 2. All those Titanic Sucks posts. Mike: Accurate as they may be, they're still getting to be annoying. > (Yes, I'm aware that this is not > alt.fan.titanic, Crow: Phew! That newsgroup doesn't really exist, does it? Tom and Mike: SHHHHHH!!!!! > but still, have a LITTLE respect for the movie. Tom: I do have little respect for the movie. VERY little respect. > Bad > movies do not get 14 Oscar nominations, Mike: Well, except this one, I mean. > 11 Oscars, Mike: Again, except this one. What I'm trying to get at is that you've got to respect "Titanic" for setting new standards in overachievement. It says to all the other bad movies, "Look what _I_ can do!" Crow: It's the Little Bloated Bank-Busting Epic That Could. > #1 movie for a > record-breaking 15 consecutive weeks, Tom: A period of time which came to be known as the second Dark Age. > and do not hold the possibility > of breaking the #1 all passed time box-office total.) Mike: Oh yeah? Well, wait 'til the final numbers are in on "Major League: Back to the Minors." It'll give "Titanic" a run for its money. > > 3. People reposting what somebody else said already. Crow: You're expecting "Titanic" fans to come up with ORIGINAL thoughts? Fat chance! Or, should I say, Kate Winslet chance! Mike: Say, now. That wasn't nice. > (I'm refering to > those like "Is James Cameron in Titanic" type posts, like there is the > original post, Tom: [valley girl voice] It really, like, gets to me. It, like, annoys me. Like, I don't LIKE it. Like like like Titanic like like like Leo is hot like like like like marry me Billy like like like. Do you, like, get what I'm saying? > then there are 10-15 other posts that all say approx. > the same thing. Crow: Calgirl184 is an idiot. Mike: Calgirl184 is, like, an idiot. Tom: Calgirl184 is, like, an idiot. And Billy, like, sucks. [They repeat this dialogue five times, adding more "like"s as they go. It is an eerie simulation of an actual newsgroup thread.] > That yes he is in Titanic, he is guy getting beard > checked for lice. It's kinda annoying.) Crow: Yes, beard lice _can_ be annoying. But that's why there's new "I Can't Believe There's No Lice In My Beard" from the makers of Ticks-B-Gone. > > 4. All those people going around with those "Check your speeling, Mike: My speeling is fine, thank you very much. I just had it checked by a doctor last week. > maybe more people will take you seriously posts.(Yes, I'm aware that > spelling is spelt speeling, Tom: Actually, "spelling" is spelled S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G. > but that's my point. They don't spell > right, but they go around telling people to spell right.) Crow: Isn't it ironic? Don't ya think? Mike: Well, actually, no... I don't. > > 5. People that add those little "disclaimers" into their posts like > "I'm no teenbopper little girl either." Tom: [gruff] "I'm a burly, middle-aged truck driver who happens to think that 'Titanic' is the greatest love story of our time. You gotta problem wit' dat?" > You know that is total > stereotyping. How would you like it if for example, "I like classical > music, but I'm no old person who has nothing to do." Crow: So what are you saying? That only old people with nothing to do like classical music? That is total stereotyping! > Or, "I like > ballet, but I'm no sappy woman." Mike: Sure I adore a minuet, the Ballet Russe, and Crepe Suzette, but I also occasionally love to rock and roll and, from time to time, a hot dog makes me lose control. > Or perhaps, "I like watching foot- > ball, but I'm no fat ass couch-potato." Tom: "I enjoy drinking human blood and living forever, but I'm no vampire." Crow: "I derive pleasure from collecting rare stamps but I'm no philatelist." Mike: "I was the 38th President of these United States from 1974 to 1977, but I'm no Gerald Ford." > Hmmm? That's what you're > doing to us supposed little girls. Tom: She felt she had to combat the cruel prejudice levied against "Titanic" fans. She's the Malcolm X of the mushbrains. > (Also there are some big girls > and BIG boys that like Titanic too.) Crow: Which goes to show that there's an audience for just about anything. > > 6. Cross postings. Skateboarders?!? How does that have ANYTHING to > do with Titanic. Mike: Since "Titanic" took _so_ many liberties with history, it might as well have had skateboarders riding the rails and doing hand- stands on the deck. > check who you are posting to because a LOT of times > you'll be cross-posting Kate's Hair Color to alt.rec.football or > whatever. Tom: Well, that's appropriate. I mean, she IS built like a linebacker and all. > I don't think they care, which is why then we got all the > "Skateboarders losers?" posts cross-posted to here. Crow: See? RATMM isn't the _only_ newsgroup that constantly veers off topic. > > 7. People harrassing other people. Mike: [sings] People... people who harrass people... Are the most annoying people in the world > Look everybody is entitled to > their own opinions. ^^^^^ Tom: And just whose opinions would those be? Since you used a plural posessive pronoun with a singular subject, obviously... [Mike puts his hand on Servo's shoulder and stops him in mid-riff.] Mike: Servo, a grammar flame? Really, I'm a bit disappointed in you. That's so cliched and obvious. Tom: I couldn't help it, Mike. This Cowgirl666 had it coming, and I'm running out of original ways to call her a knucklehead. > Don't bitch about other people's opinions just > because they disagree with yours. Crow: Wait, doesn't that hinder my right to express my opinion? Mike: I think what Catgut$19.95 is saying is that everyone has the the right to his or her own opinion as long as anyone with a dissenting view keeps his or her mouth shut. > Hence, that's why they are called > OPINIONS. Tom: And not called Vermicious Knids. > They're individual, you may see the same view, but your > opinion is still different. Crow: The same but different. Got it! > Leave it at that. Mike: Leave it at WHAT? Nothing you just said made SENSE! > > 8. Those box-office comparisons. Really, does that make up a good > movie? Tom: Uh, in #2 on your list, you said that the box office success of "Titanic" showed that it WAS a good movie. You're contradicting yourself only six items later! Crow: Tom, don't you remember item #7? Her opinion is the same but different, and you're supposed to keep your trap shut about it. Tom: Ohhhhhh... NOW I don't get it. > I'm not going to bitch about this, Mike: Well, at least now, she's following her own rule for a change. > but money does not make a > good movie because people who didn't like it still paid to see it. Crow: Over and over again. These people are called masochists. They feel they don't deserve to watch an intelligent movie, so they subject themselves time and again to Cameron's waterlogged tear- jerker schlock epic. > Think about it. Tom: I'd really rather not, thanks. > Good movies come from whatever you think a good movie > is. Mike: Whatever _I_ think a good movie is? Wow! I didn't realize I had that kind of influence. > Some say Titanic is a great movie(me) and some say it was a bad > movie. Crow: (People with normal IQ's.) > It all depends on your taste. If you like sci-fi and stuff > like that, Tom: Then you'll probably buy into the idea that Leo "The Human Block- Head" DiCaprio is supposed to be a talented artist even though in real life, he'd probably have trouble coloring within the lines. > you may not like those drama/romance stories. Mike: Like those supermarket paperback novels, which are astonishingly similar to the "Titanic" screenplay when you think about it. > If you like > drama/romance, you may not like those high action/bloodshed films. Crow: If you like movies with even an ounce of integrity, you should probably avoid "Titanic" altogether. Tom: If you like kung fu/porno movies, you may not like musical westerns. If you like animated snuff films, you may not like lesbian beach party movies. It all comes down to personal taste, which apparently is determined by Mike Nelson alone. > Good movies come only from what *you* interpret a good movie as. Mike: Again, I'm flattered that you think so highly of my taste in movies. > > 9. All those wavs and midi's people keep posting.(Hey, if you're one, Crow: If you're a wav or midi? > please try to remember that some people don't read from the internet Tom: A lot of people on the Internet seem unable to read much of anything. > and cannot interpret those files and they also take FOREVER to load.) Mike: Y'know, I was going to use the word "load" but in a COMPLETELY different context. > > 10. And last but not least, all those Kate bashing things. Crow: What things would _you_ use to bash Kate? Tom: Well, Crow, I think I'd start out with one of those Wyle E. Coyote mallets. Mike: Really? 'Cause I was thinking of using some sort of giant fly- swatter. > Kate is > a very beautiful woman. So what if she doesn't have a 15 inch waist. Crow: She does, however, have 15 inch ankles. > She is full figured and lovely. Tom: And one hell of a defensive end. > It sets an example to all those > little kids out there that think they have to be super skinny to be > successful in something. Mike: Like sumo wrestling and pie tasting. > Kate shows them that you don't need to do > that. "Like it or lump it." Crow: I think I will choose to lump it. > > Remember, OPINIONS. Tom: I'm talkin' to YOU, opinions! > These are mine. Mike: Don't worry. You can keep 'em. > You may agree or disagree, but > if you disagree, don't bitch about them. They are mine, and you can > say whatever the hell you want about them, Crow: Is Capgun5000 even capable of getting through ONE lousy paragraph without contradicting herself? > it's not going to change > my mind, so you might as well save yourself the hassle, unless of > course you REALLY want to. Tom: [shaking his head] Apparently not, Crow. Apparently not. > Oh well. =) Mike: What's that thing supposed to be. Crow: Turn your head sideways. [He does.] Mike: Oh! I get it! It's the symbol for pi. Crow: D'oh! It's not pi. It's supposed to be Stonehenge. > Sorry if I offended anyone. Tom: Yeah? Well, "sorry" doesn't quite cut it, missy. You'll be hearing from my lawyers. > > All opinions are property of... Mike: Who cares? Would anyone want to STEAL these opinions? Who would even take them as a gift? > > ~Vivian > Official Carrier of TTS and LS: Crow: Terribly Transferable Scabies and Liver Spots? > Total Titanic Syndrome and Leo Syndrome Crow: [disappointed] Oh. > http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Breakers/8791/titanic.html > - Tom: Just what the world needs -- another "Titanic" homepage. > He saved me. Mike: He saved me $500 on a used Buick. > In every way a person can be saved. Crow: Well, give or take a couple of ways. But still, he was pretty studly. > -Rose from TITANIC > One of the #1 movie's of passed time. > Mike: Now that the post is over, maybe we should have a moment of silence to honor the victims of Usenet posts about "Titanic." [A pause as they consider the idea.] Tom: Nahhh... let's just get out of here. [*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog bone] [SoL - BRIDGE] [Servo and Crow are having another intense staring contest as Mike enters.] Mike: You guys aren't having another staring contest, are you? I thought we already had "the Mother of All Staring Contests." Crow: We did, Mike, but this is the "Cousin of All Staring Contests," and this time, I'm taking no prisoners. Tom: In your dreams, Goldilocks. I can out-stare you any day of the week. Crow: Can not! Tom: Can so! Crow: Can not times a million! Tom: Can so times infinity! Crow: Can not times infinity plus Kate Winselt's dress size! [Mike, desperate to end this, has an idea.] Mike: [pointing] Hey, guys, look over there at that... uh, thing! [Crow and Servo immediately break from their staring contest to look.] Crow: Wow! I've never seen anything like it! Tom: Holy mackerel! It's the only one of its kind in existence! We should... nay, we MUST investigate. Crow: Let's go. You comin', Mike? [Red light starts flashing.] Mike: Nah. I think I'll just stay here and talk to Pearl. You guys go ahead. Tom: Suit yourself. [Tom and Crow leave to investigate the "thing."] Mike: Phew! I wish I'd thought of that sooner. It would have saved us a lot of... [Suddently, Tom and Crow re-enter.] Tom: [sobbing] It... it was beautiful. Crow: It changed my life. I vow never again to waste one precious milisecond! Tom: So... back to the staring contest? Crow: You read my mind. [The staring contest resumes. Mike sighs and presses the button.] Mike: Mrs. Forrester, you there? [BRIDGE OF THE TITANIC] [Pearl is standing near the railings holding a big sack full of loot.] Pearl: Eetings-gray, Elson-nay! Well, here I am on the deck of the actual Titanic. How 'bout that, huh? Thanks to a little miscalculation on Brain Boy's part, we're a little early. The ship hasn't hit the iceberg yet. The prime looting time won't be for a while. In the meantime, I've managed to pick up a few items... [ruffles through her bag]... like this ashtray here... [holds up a cheap-looking ashtray]... and this half-melted candle... [holds up candle]... And then there's this thing... [She pulls a piece of paper out of the bag. It's a sketch of a nude woman wearing only an expensive-looking necklace. Pearl gives the drawing the once-over.] Pearl: Hunh! How'd this get in here? The signature says "Jack" something. I wonder what third-rate art school this creep flunked out of. [Pearl crumples up the drawing and throws it overboard.] Pearl: I wonder if Bobo's doing any better. The last time I saw him, he was wandering around near the steering room. You know, on second thought, it probably wasn't such a great idea to send a talking ape on a mission like this. I'm trying to keep a low profile, and I think Bobo just might attract attention. Too bad Observer insisted on staying in the lifeboat with his precious brain bowl. At least people might think he was just a regular person who was really seasick. I instructed Bobo to tell people that he's a circus freak. [Off-screen, we people cheering. Pearl turns to look.] Crowd: [off] Hooray! Voice #1: The circus freak just saved us all! Voice #2: That iceberg would have doomed us for sure, unsinkable ship or not! Voice #3: Three cheers for the freak! [The crowd enters, carrying Bobo on its shoulders and singing "For He's a jolly good fellow."] Crowd: For he's a jolly good circus freak For he's a jolly good circus freak For he's a jolly good circus freeeeak.... [Pearl is fuming. Bobo notices her.] Bobo: Hi, Lawgiver! Pearl: Put that freak down, you mouthbreathing nitwits! [The crowd complies. They gawk at Pearl.] Pearl: What are you all gawking at? Get out of here before I toss you overboard myself! [They scurry away, wiping their hands on their clothing.] Woman: That's the last time I touch a circus freak. Man: Really! Who knows what diseases he was carrying? [They've all gone now, leaving Pearl and Bobo alone.] Pearl: What happened, Bobo? Bobo: [cheerfully] Oh, you would've been proud of me, lawgiver! I was snooping around in the steering room just like you asked me to. Well, the crew spotted me right away and began beating me unmercifully. Apparently, in the scuffle, the ship went a few degrees off course, and we narrowly avoided hitting an iceberg. Isn't that fantastic? [Pearl crosses her arms and gives Bobo a killer look.] Bobo: Aren't you pleased with me? I saved us all. [Pearl scowls but says nothing.] Bobo: Oh dear. I've done something wrong. I'm in trouble, aren't I? Pearl: Oh yeah. [Fade to black.] Bobo's voice: But I can't swim! Heeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy! [We hear a splash.] [Roll credits and closing theme] CLARIFICATION: Before anyone writes to me about it, please know that I do NOT think that Kate Winslet is fat. However, this topic has been so widely discussed that there's no way I could avoid making jokes about it. Joe's Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 Episode Guide ----------------------------------------------- [001] Boycott This Blasphemous Movie [002] Sweet Valley High: Oracle On-Air [003] Revenge of the Old Queen (excerpt) [004] Three Usenet Posts About "Titanic" Currently in production ----------------------- [???] $$$$$$$ [???] Basic Instinct [group MiSTing] [???] Orgy of the Dead THANKS to all the people on the Dibs List who offered advice on how to handle the potentially touchy subject of Pearl stealing souvenirs from the real Titanic. ----------------------------------------------------------- D I S C L A I M E R ----------------------------------------------------------- Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its associated characters and situations are the property and trademarks of Best Brains, Inc. In no way should this MiSTing be construed to be an infringement on those rights. All rights reserved. Copyright (c) 1998 Joe Blevins > 'Titanic' started it, and we were there.